How to Survive Black Friday

A happy customer celebrates victory over her opponent in the ancient rite of Black Friday Jousting.

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A happy customer celebrates victory over her opponent in the ancient rite of Black Friday Jousting.

Zoie Baker, Student Reporter

(Warning: This is a work of student satire and is meant for entertainment purposes only.)

Christmas. Christmas time is here. Thoughts of joy, hope, and cheer, but mostly, shopping, shopping, shopping. Black Friday is the day we grab our friends or family to celebrate the beginning of the holiday shopping season. What better way is there to start off the season than by coming prepared to stab or hit someone for a pair of jeans that are 20% off? Here is the official guide on how to survive the chaos of Black Friday.

Take what you want: If you see an item you like, and want it, you should go for it. Even if an employee is threatening to kick you out for beating a person that tried to take the baseball shirt you wanted for your husband, take it anyway. Chances are it was only a customer pretending to be an employee.

Disguise yourself: If you know you are going into a specific store, like target, dress up as one of the employees. If you are dressed up like one of them, they will let you in early because they need all the help they can get. As soon as they open the doors for you, reveal who you really are and get to it because they are not allowed to legally kick you out once you are in.

Secure a basket with weapons from home: You want other shoppers to see that you are not playing around. Let them know you’re not afraid to hit the old lady who is cutting in front of you with a bat. Make those other shoppers respect you and stay out of your way. If it happens that somebody has a problem with you, the employees will see that you are being serious and take your side.

Jousting is the only way: If you get into an argument with another customer over an item, there’s only one way to settle it. Challenge them to the honorable and ancient Black Friday tradition of jousting. Jousting is a noble tradition started in the middle ages of Black Friday, in those dark years known as “the 80’s”. To perform a joust, the rules are simple. First, choose a somewhat empty isle. Then, one cart will start on one side, with the rival cart starting on the other. Wait for a nearby employee to ask something like “Can I help you?” or “What are you doing?” This will signal the start of the joust.  Then each combatant will run full speed, pushing their carts at the opposition.  The cart left standing is the cart that wins. If your rival does not except your jousting challenge, call them a “knave” and behead them on site, as is jousting tradition

Follow these tips and triumph during the Black Friday chaos, with those precious items the kids have been screaming about for weeks. And remember, the holidays are a magical time.