Warning: Spring Cleaning! Be on the Lookout for Trapped Children!

Jailynn Goforth, Student Reporter / Co-Editor

(Warning: This is a work of student satire and is meant for entertainment purposes only.)

It’s almost spring. The sun will be out soon, birds will be singing, and the closet will be spilling onto the floor. That means Spring Cleaning is almost here. The time has come to run around your house with a broom full of dust and cobwebs screaming-singing Reba McEntire’s  ‘9 to 5’ at the top of our lungs.

Whether it is emptying the closet of clothes we have been wearing since dinosaurs roamed the earth or getting rid of some of those pesky children that have taken up the corners of our house, Spring Cleaning is a yearly ritual that helps declutter the house for the new year.

According to new research shown by thehistoryofspringcleaning.gov, this ritual has been around since the beginning of time and is now turning into a second Black Friday as soon as the weather begins to warm up.

For centuries, people have been participating in Spring Cleaning. Scientists have recently found remains of cave moms from 4,000 BCE with prehistoric brooms enclosed in their bony fists. Scientists believe that once the sun came out and the carnivorous flowers opened up, cave moms gathered their cleaning supplies and knocked away the three-foot-tall dinosaur spiders that nested in the ceiling of their homely caves.

People participating in spring cleaning have now decided to only clean during the warm months, so during the winter months there have been numerous reports of garbage spilling out windows and the screams of children who have gotten lost in mazes of dirty clothes. Vacuums have reportedly been brought in for repairs in preparation for spring cleaning because they have become clogged from the amount of dust they have collected sitting unused underneath the stair in the colder months. Rather than cleaning year round, participants of spring cleaning have now been holding rallies during cold months to emphasize the importance of dirty homes in winter.

For spring cleaning in today’s world, once January rolls around, Target or “Targae” is bombarded with shoppers fighting for cleaning supplies. Police have been called on occasion and separate buildings have been set up to house the overflow of cleaning supplies that has to be brought in to appease customers shopping needs.

“We had to set up a building in the back lot for all this[Sic] cleaning supplies we had to order,” Jerry Minks, a Targae employee, said. “We unloaded the truck yesterday and filled that building with hundreds of brooms, mops, and bottles of bleach, and it’s already almost empty. People even broke in to get first pick.”

As houses grow dirtier during the colder months, people rejoice more when spring cleaning comes around because of the amount of garbage that they are removing.

“I won my annual Spring Cleaning neighborhood contest this year,” Reese McKinny said. “I threw away 554 pounds of garbage this year. They had to use the mega scale to weigh it all.”

With the new movement of outrageous garbage collection during the cold months, spring cleaning has evolved from its meager beginnings in the homes of cave women.  Shopping has increased and now falls under a “Spring Black Friday” in news articles covering the subject.

So, whether we believe in participating in a spring cleaning contest or clean we house year round like a normal person, be on the lookout for trapped children in our neighbor’s house and enjoy the warm weather.